Probably because I've decided to put myself in the business of writing love stories with explicit and (I hope!) steamy sex scenes, I find the results of studies like this one more than a trifle disturbing. (In case you didn't feel like clicking the link, this study found that the average woman would be willing to give up sex for 15 months in exchange for a new wardrobe. I won't bore you with the other details; that about sums it up.)
First and maybe foremost, I'm disturbed because I hate the idea that women are such shallow consumerists, they would rather have new clothes than share a physical expression of love with their partners. It's so...materialistic. So...I don't know...American!
I will be the first to admit I am something of a clothes horse. My husband often doesn't know I've bought new items of clothes because I have so many already, if he sees something he doesn't remember, he's just as likely to think he's suffering from wardrobe amnesia as that it's a new item. So I like clothes. A lot! It's just that I wouldn't dream of giving up sex for them, any more than I'd dream of giving up food or shelter for them.
Perhaps my knee-jerk "no way" response to the question is driven by the fact that I'm married and very contentedly so. There were periods before I was married when I probably abstained from sex for 15 months at a stretch and, because I wasn't involved with anyone, I didn't particularly miss it. (I also didn't get a new wardrobe in exchange, more's the pity!) I gotta have the emotional connection to find sex satisfying. But if I have the emotional connection, giving up sex for any length of time would be to starve myself (not to mention my partner) every bit as much as if I were to stop eating. And that was true even when I was pregnant or breastfeeding and my libido was in the tank due to a combination of mommy hormones and lack of sleep. I wasn't necessarily hot to trot most of the time in those days, but even then, I wouldn't have been willing to abstain for more than a year!
But the second reason it disturbs me is because I think it's such a sad commentary on how unfulfilling sex must be for so many women. I mean, really, if 60% or so of women are willing to give up sex for 15 months or more, whatever they get in exchange, it's got to be in large part because they don't find sex as satisfying, either physically or emotionally, as (say) chocolate. (How much would you like to bet that the results would be the same if they'd asked women how long they'd give up chocolate for a new wardrobe?) And wow, that's such a bummer!
Now, back to the romance novel.
I've always enjoyed reading good love scenes because they put me into the characters' physical and emotional reactions to one another so well. I can easily translate my experiences to theirs and thoroughly immerse myself in their relationship. A love scene is a huge "show" for me when it comes to feeling that the hero and heroine are truly in love with one another, even if they don't realize it themselves yet. (It doesn't hurt that a good love scene can also stoke the homefires a bit! I joked when I first saw the results of this study that maybe the average woman just needs to read more romance novels.)
And up to now, when writing them, I always assumed that the fantasy aspect of a romance novel love scene was more in the intensity of the sexual interaction than anything else. In other words, I hadn't really considered the possibility that I was writing about something that a sizable proportion of my readers might never (or only very rarely) have experienced for themselves. That the sex/love scenes in my stories might be as much a fantasy to many readers as the Quidditch game in Harry Potter.
Perhaps paradoxically, these reflections have also given me a greater sense of "mission" than I had before. I've always felt the romance novel (and perhaps to an even larger extent, erotica) is in large part about giving women permission to enjoy and appreciate their sexuality by providing healthy, positive role models. But post-sexual revolution, I've often wondered if the need was still there. It seems, however, it's not only still there, it's as prevalent as ever.
Or maybe I'm just suffering from a powerful case of pretension and self-importance!
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6 comments:
I'm so with you.
I feel the same way when people talk about "Better than Sex" pie or cake (I've heard of both). I feel such pity any time someone says this. Any time I suggest that maybe the dessert is misnamed, the maker says, "Oh, but you haven't tried it yet!"
It's never been better than sex. I've never had any dessert that was better than sex.
I suppose I would give up sex for a week for a new wardrobe. As long as I could still cuddle and talk (dirty or otherwise).
I'm so glad you posted, C! I was a little afraid I'd gone off half-cocked there *g.
A dessert that's better than sex? Not possible. At least, not one that's better than good sex. Better than mediocre sex might be possible!
About the only thing I can think of that's reliably as good as sex (not better, mind you, just as good as!) is a full body massage.
I was raised to never discuss religion, money or sex. For more years than I wish to acknowledge, I was in vast ignorance of all three. I'm happy to say there have been some changes. And I'm not born-again or rich.Yet.
I think those wardrobe women must not be especially well-pleasured by their partners---or maybe they figure they can "do it themselves" and still qualify for the clothes. The survey seems a little sketchy to me!
I was raised a Unitarian Universalist, which means I LUURVE to talk about religion. Believing in it is another matter *g. (I want to make a bumper sticker that says Unitarian Universalist: Proselytize at Your Own Risk . Because we'll talk your ear off on the subject.)
I completely agree that the wardrobe women are not satisfied in their sex lives, but that's part of what depresses me about such studies. I mean, really, if doing it alone beats doing it with your partner (even if you're doing a fair amount of the work yourself, which can have its appeal *g!), something is definitely wrong. IMHO! And it seems a lot of it is just that many women are a) still not very comfortable with their sexuality and b) embarrassed to tell their partners what makes their toes curl.
If I write a love scene that helps even ONE woman overcome these problems, my work is done!
I don't think so. . . I'll go without clothes before I go without sex (and he probably wouldn't even complain!)
How much would you like to bet that the results would be the same if they'd asked women how long they'd give up chocolate for a new wardrobe?
Sadly, I'd bet very few women could/would give up chocolate for that long!
...Off to make some Better Than Mediocre Sex brownies...
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