Okay, I made my first stab at this. I don't know if it's great, but I don't think it bites like a pit bull with a raging case of rabies, either.
(Deep breath) Here goes:
Lady Rosalind Brighton knows that knights in shining armor are more interested in winning the castle than the princess inside, so when her knight turns out to be an Irish racehorse trainer with lofty ambitions and an unexpected penchant for altruism, she’s faced with a thorny dilemma: surrender her heart, her castle, or both.
Okay, maybe it does blow. But it's a start, right?
I'm open to suggestions here...
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7 comments:
I love it! I'd like to get it small enough to fit on the back of a business card, but for now I've just got some nit-picky flow type things that might tighten it up:
Lady Rosalind Brighton knows knights in shining armor are more interested in winning castles than princesses, but when her (latest would-be conquorer) turns out to be a simple Irish racehorse trainer with lofty ambitions and an unexpected penchant for altruism, she’s forced to re-evaluate: surrender her heart, her castle - or both.
54 or 53...mine isn't that much shorter! Maybe yours also speaks better aloud?
Hi Lacey!
Wow, I'm glad you like it. Maybe I hit at least a small jackpot on the first go-round?
I like the way you shortened up the first phrase, but I really like the repetition of the words "knight", so if I kept that, I'd have:
Lady Rosalind Brighton knows knights in shining armor are more interested in winning castles than princesses, so when her knight turns out to be a simple Irish racehorse trainer with lofty ambitions and an unexpected penchant for altruism, she’s faced with a thorny dilemma: surrender her heart, her castle, or both.
That's down to 51 words. Not sure how I can prune out much more!
Anyone else?
Yeah and I still think your "so when" will sound better out loud. I usually have a problem with my pitch cards because they look really nice but they're not words people would actually speak to each other over dinner!
I really think you did a great job on your first stab! I also like the repitition of knight. Gee, now I'm REALLY dreading writing anything!
Darcy
I got a suggestion from one of the Write_Workshop participants that I'm mulling over. What do you think of:
Lady Rosalind Brighton knows knights in shining armor are more interested in winning castles than princesses, so when her knight turns out to be an Irish racehorse trainer with lofty ambitions and an unexpected penchant for altruism, she faces a thorny dilemma: keep her castle or surrender her heart.
That's down to 49 words. It may actually suit the plot line a little better, too. I'm just afraid it makes Rosalind come across as a bit more mercenary than the original version.
I do like the end to that better.
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