Let's Do Queries, Day Three

In our third and (as far as we know) final round of Query Letter Madness, I get to take a crack at Darcy's query letter for Notorious. As before, pull up the corresponding post on Lacey's blog to see the original query letter as well as my comments on the final version posted below:

1) This is a great setup that puts the conflict right out there from the get-go, but the last bit is a tad awkward. It sounds like the hero is going to pursue the heroine with some sort of weapon called "a reputation as a cold-hearted prude!" Since the very first sentence in the next paragraph tells us the heroine is a widow, that information probably isn't necessary, so he can just be pursuing a "cold-hearted prude."

2) Can't see anything wrong with this. Tells me right up front I'm going to be looking at a Regency-set historical. If I represent that genre, I know it's up my alley. If not, I'll reject, but not because I don't like the query or manuscript. Nice!

3) No reason for "is entering", which is passive sounding; "enters" will do just fine. "Clouds of rumors" is another slightly awkward phrasing. Otherwise, this is good. We know the heroine is a widow whom people suspect might have killed her husband. Not sure how her father's "outrageous lifestyle" fits in, but maybe we'll come to that later.

4) Okay, I know what her goal and motivation for being in London is, but so what? The reason it's "so what" is because I don't get any sense of why her search for a half-sister is going to result in any conflict between her and the hero. Why can't she search for her half-sister and fall in love at the same time? And there's nothing here to support the first sentence claim that she's a "cold-hearted prude." I need a little more about her before I can care...

5) Wow, that sentence is a mouthful! What does the hero's role as a libertine have to do with the heroine? And is the man his best friend's sister wants to marry suitable? "Flush out" implies the other man is somehow not up to snuff and the faux courtship is intended to prove that. Also, does the hero have a name, or is he just the Earl of Romsey? This wants breaking up and a bit more detail to flesh out the GMC.

6) At first glance, it appears that Violet is the hero's best friend's sister. So why is there a problem? The faux courtship turns real. How does that interfere with the hero's desire to shed his libertine status or the heroine's search for her sister? There's about enough conflict here to last, oh, twenty pages.

7) Gives me title, word count, and market. But wait, she's a newbie.

8) And it took her more than a year to complete a 95K manuscript. Kinda slow...

9) Okay, there's a potential for a series here, but if this book isn't very good, the fact that she's got another one using the same characters isn't encouraging.

10) Nice credentials here. History is a perfect subject for a historical romance writer to have studied and she's a member of the romance writer's organization so she's plugged into the market.

11) The technical writing credit is good. I know now she can string a few sentences together, likely without butchering the language. Not sure what her project management and volunteer work have to do with anything, though. Seems like she has her hands in a lot of pots, though. No wonder it took her a year to complete the manuscript she's pitching!

12)And she's polite...

Overall, this query letter is pretty darned good. The question is whether the "hook" at the beginning and the two subsequent sentences are describing the same story. On a first read, I can see an agent or editor being intrigued. On a second, however, I think she might reasonably wonder where the 95,000 words worth of conflict is going to come from.

And now, we have the new and improved version (comments on Lacey's blog!):

What would happen if the ton's most notorious rakehell pursued Society's most cold-hearted prude? 1816 London is about to find out.¹

Fresh from a short-lived marriage to a wealthy merchant, Violet Cavanaugh enters London Society under a cloud of gossip about her husband’s death and her deceased father’s debauched lifestyle.² Ignoring her notoriety, Violet sets out to find the half-sister she has just learned about – the only person with the potential to be true family. Instead, she finds the Earl of Romsey, her father’s former protege.³ Julian Masters is exactly what she abhors: an unrepentant profligate certain to break her heart.⁴

Weary of his role as a libertine, Julian would prefer to toss his London life altogether, but he has one last favor to complete before settling into anonymity at his estate.⁵ He’s promised to engage in a faux courtship with his best friend’s sister to bring the toe-dragging duke she wishes to marry up to scratch.⁶ When he meets Violet Cavanaugh, however, all of Society can see the fireworks that threaten his plans and her heart.⁷

Notorious is a completed 95,000 word Regency-set historical. I hold a Bachelor's Degree in History and am a member of RWA. My professional background includes technical writing. I currently serve on the editorial board for an international women’s organization magazine.⁸

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This concludes our query letter posts for the time being. But stay tuned! There may be more to come in the weeks ahead.

Also, if anyone out there has a query letter she's just dying to have ripped apart in public by the Query-cizers, post a comment or drop a line and we'll work out a way to have at you!