I think I may have mentioned, however, that I wasn't completely happy with that "final" version. It was okay, but the first paragraph just didn't reach out and grab me by the throat. Ergo, I figured it wouldn't grab an agent or editor by the throat, either. So, I pondered and fretted and then I happened to stop by Annie Dean's blog to discover she was doing her Workshop Wednesday post on hooks. And Annie is so clever, she came up with a great hook for Living in Sin inside of about ten minutes. I posted a couple of versions of that hook here last week.
With that hook rolling around in my head, I took a fresh look at the opening of my query letter. I ultimately decided I couldn't use it as my opening sentence, so I had to come up with some way to set up the conflict in the first paragraph without giving away that hooky sentence before I'd even started. After tossing around several ideas with my intrepid critique partners, here's what I came up with:
What’s a duke’s daughter to do when her ideal man arrives on her doorstep in the most unsuitable package imaginable? Lady Rosalind Brighton isn’t sure, but marrying him isn’t it!I left out the credentials and last paragraph since they haven't changed. (Well, okay, I added the final in the CONNections Contest, but other than that, they're identical to what I had before).
Rosalind is facing the unwelcome prospect of being the oldest debutante on the ton’s marriage mart if her thoroughbred breeding estate doesn’t start turning a profit by the start of the Season in just six weeks’ time. Her brother is determined to see her wed to safeguard her future, but to Rosalind, matrimony means surrendering everything—her possessions, her independence, her very person—to some fortune-hunting suitor.
Into the breach steps brash and ambitious Patrick O’Brien, a racehorse trainer with a reputation for handling horses and ladies with equal aplomb and a penchant for pulling the odd swindle. Their business partnership may save Rosalind from the fate she abhors, but his easygoing charm and infectious enthusiasm for life could prove a more serious threat than bankruptcy ever did.
Soon, Rosalind finds herself contemplating behavior no virginal Victorian lady should know about, much less engage in. Imagine her surprise when her desire to live in sin is blocked not by herself, but by Patrick’s unyielding sense of honor. Who would have thought a straight-laced spinster could con a con man out of his heart?
So, what do you think? Better? I think it's a significant improvement, myself, but I'm open to hearing otherwise. If you have any suggestions to really make it stand up and sing, I'd love to hear them. (That second sentence still bothers me a little, so any thoughts there would be especially appreciated.)
Also, while we're at it, I want to thank the willing victims...er, volunteers who've already stepped up to play future rounds of Kill...er, Critique the Query Letter. We have a couple of letters already in our possession and as soon as we have "final" versions, you'll find new samples on Lacey's and my blogs.
Stay tuned...
5 comments:
Yep, I do like the new hook better, but they're both two great queries.
Bev
Leigh wrote:
What’s a duke’s daughter to do when her ideal man arrives on her doorstep in the most unsuitable package imaginable? WHAT ABOUT JUST 'IN A MOST INSUITABLE PACKAGE'
Oooh, I like that. It sounds so British, LOL! I'm taking it!
Rosalind is facing the unwelcome prospect of being the oldest debutante on the ton’s marriage mart if her thoroughbred breeding estate doesn’t 'start turning a profit by the start of the Season in just six weeks’ time'. 'DOESN'T TURN A PROFIT IN SIX WEEKS TIME'. SHORTER. IT IS IMPLIED THAT THE SEASON IS LOOMING OVER HER.
You know, at one point, I cut that out, but a hue and cry went up from my critique group. They all liked it because it clearly grounds the story in time. Her brother could, after all, be threatening to put her on the marriage mart in the middle of the Season, not the beginning of it. So I bowed to them and left it in.
And You're right that Patrick's GMC isn't clear at all in the query letter, but then, the goal of the query is to make the agent/editor curious about the story and want to read more. One way to do that may be to withhold his GMC (not saying it will work, just saying it's a thought). And he really IS the more interesting character in the story. I think telling too much of his GMC would spoil the last line, too (because MAYBE his goal is to con Rosalind or someone, but if that were stated, the query would lose punch). We do know he's ambitious, and I think that implies his G (if not M & C).
Thanks for the crit! That was cool.
And get us a revised version of yours back so we can praise you for all the improvements...
What’s a duke’s daughter to do when her ideal man arrives on her doorstep in the most unsuitable package [GUISE?] imaginable? Lady Rosalind Brighton isn’t sure, but marrying him isn’t it! [MARRIAGE IS OUT OF THE QUESTION?]
Just focused on last sentence since you said you still doubted it....I assume this is the one you meant!
I like the new one MUCH better!
Glad you think it's MUCH better, Pam (especially since it didn't seem like you thought the last one was horrible). But I think this one's MUCH hookier. And I just sent it to Kristin Nelson a couple of hours ago to test the waters. We'll see.
I think I've decided to stick with that second sentence the way it is for now, at least until something jumps out at me and grabs me by the throat. What I like about the sentence as constructed is that it introduces the heroine's name and suggest she's going to do SOMETHING about this ideal man, just not MARRY him, LOL!
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