Return of Query Madness

So, when Lacey, Darcy and I posted our queries a couple of weeks ago, we promised to humiliate...um, help anyone who sent us a query letter. Our first vict...volunteer is Beverley, whom we've known since we all participated in Avon's FanLit contest last year.

Here's how the process went, in Beverley's words:

If anyone ever tells you that writing queries is fun you can be sure of one of three things:

1. They're lying.
2. They've never written a query.
3. They're lying.

Okay, I'm only kidding because I'm sure that for some (I don't know who these crazy people are), it can be very fun. But if the rest of you are like me (a first-timer who didn't know whatthe hell I was doing and didn't really even know what to put in a query), it's a special purgatory. I slaved for an entire week on this ONE PAGE LETTER and did so many revisions I stopped counting. Thank God for the people (and they were many including, of course, Lacey and Jacqueline) who didn't want to see me completely humiliated should I have sent the original out to any of the publishing houses.

And thank goodness I learned something about GMC before starting my 2nd draft!

Just as a reminder, this works like it did before: the original query letter is posted here, while Lacey's comments on it are on her blog. Click here to bring up Lacey's post in a new window so you can read them side-by-side.

In An Honorable Rogue, a sexy Victorian 100,000 word novel, ¹ Millicent "Missy" Armstrong² has known since the age of thirteen who she would marry and when.³ Five years later, the when has arrived, and the who—sinfully handsome, Lord James Rutherford—is one of her brother's closest friends⁴ and an unapologetic rogue.⁵ But getting one of London's most eligible bachelors to the altar proves more difficult than she imagines and Missy finds that the road to love is one fraught with the unexpected.⁶

Once compromising Missy Armstrong would have been one of the worst things that could happen to the heir to the Windmere earldom,⁷ James Rutherford. The fact that it isn't⁷ only intimates the incredible predicament he finds himself in when Lady Victoria Spencer claims that he is the father of her unborn child. Not only does James have no memory of the night in question,⁸ he has no desire to wed. But before a full blown scandal can erupt, the truth behind Victoria's false claim is discovered, freeing James to do the honorable thing.⁹ What he doesn't expect is the response he receives.¹⁰

With rumors of an affair between James and Victoria still swirling thick in society's air,¹¹ Missy is heartbroken and insulted when in a reluctant proposal of marriage from the man she loves,¹² James makes it clear that she is not to expect fidelity. Unwilling to share him with other woman, Missy declines. It is only with her refusal that James realizes the love he has long taken for granted. So the tables turn and James, long pursued, becomes the pursuer in a game where the only winner can be love.¹³

Every writer begins as a reader and I am a testament to that fact having been an avid reader of historical fiction for twenty-five years.¹⁴ I am a member of RWA and I belong to the GRW chapter.¹⁵ I am currently at work on my second novel.¹⁶

Thank you for your time and consideration.¹⁷

And now we have the new, improved, and much trimmed version below. The new version of the letter is posted on Lacey's blog with comments courtesy of Darcy below.

1. A hook!
2. He sounds like a very bad boy.
3. Good, conflict.
4. This restates what I already learned in the first paragraph, but I’ll keep reading.
5. She’s going to court him? Unusual.
6. Decisions, decisions. More conflict.
7. More conflict. Hmmm, can these two get together?
8. Tough for a rake to do, I wonder how he manages?
9. He IS a very bad boy!
10. Lots of potential for conflict and a sustainable plot here.
11. Great, she’s serious about this.
12. Hard at work on the next one – and it involves characters from this one. Series can be good for business.
13. I already know it’s complete from the first paragraph, but it’s nice to know she’s ready to send it at a moment’s notice.
14. Nice closing.

So, there you have it: a much improved, much hookier query letter that spends more time on the romance than the plot!

We have a couple more query letters in the pipeline that we'll be posting soon. In addition to my blog and Lacey's, however, we'll be adding cross-posts to Erica Ridley's blog. Erica's a member of our little critique circle and rocks at writing hooks. I am not exaggerating here: Erica managed to hook the redoubtable and notoriously unhookable Miss Snark in her last Crap-O-Meter and also liked Erica's first three pages. Ignore Erica's advice on queries at your peril, I say!

So, keep your eyes peeled. More fun is headed your way. (This is fun, isn't it?)