To fully understand what I'm posting below, you have to read Lacey's post today. Don't worry, I'll wait.
So, Lacey's criticism of the nose wrinkling was absolutely valid. She'd hit on a spot on the scene where I was already uncertain/unhappy with the stage direction, so that wasn't really a surprise. What I found interesting was what she interpreted based on that poor stage direction. To wit, she thought Patrick's offer was a) insincere and b) unmotivated.
Now, I've never believed stage direction wasn't important to a scene. It's very important. But when you're struggling for the "right" action on the part of your characters, sometimes you do stick stuff in that ends up not working. In this case, though, it not only didn't work, it actually made parts of the "plot" implausible.
You see, I wanted to get the characters out of the stable to give my heroine time to regroup, but I didn't want it to be the heroine's idea. Primarily because I didn't want her to be giving the hero the impression that she is actually considering entertaining his proposal, and if she asked him to her office, that's exactly what she'd be doing. She doesn't trust him at this point, and for some logical reasons, so she shouldn't be offering to do business with him, even though he's offering to do business with her.
But when he suggests they find a better place to talk, he's giving her the opportunity to put herself at ease. A reason to trust him. And he needs to give her those reasons if he's going to sway her to accept his offer. I also needed a way to show the reader (from the heroine's POV) that the hero notices things about other people and acts in thoughtful ways based upon them.
So, after much discussion and gnashing of teeth, I came up with this:
I think this is much better than before. It shows us he's noticing her chill--before she does. And acting upon it.“Aye.” He looked around the stable, pausing to give Cato a passing caress. When his gaze traveled back to her, he studied her and she realized she had been rubbing her hands over her sleeves in an unconscious effort to warm them. He nodded in the direction of the open stable door. “Perhaps we could find someplace warmer and you will permit me to explain?”
For the first time since she had seen Mr. O’Brien’s horse, she registered how cold she was and how damp her habit had become in the course of her visits to her tenants. The roaring fire and hot tea that likely awaited her in her study would not come amiss.
Question for today: What do you do when you're stuck for a stage direction? Tired of people nodding and smiling and frowning and cocking their heads to one side? How do you come up with meaningful gestures and actions for your character that show rather than tell what they're thinking? Inquiring minds want to know.
1Late As Usual, a mock title my high school US Government teacher once gave to a member of Congress who regularly appeared late for scheduled appearances.
10 comments:
Hmmm, still don't think I've nailed it. But I do like the revision. Like you said it fits with his character and his actions make sense.
I LOVE SHOW DON'T TELL!!! And the rubbing her arms part is *perfect*. I do like it better than that "thoughtful" thing that came in one thread.
So...what do I do? Well, first you have to see that you're telling. I think that's the hardest part. Then you have to be able to overcome your instinct to believe that "thoughtful nodding" counts as "showing."
I would have example of this if I hadn't lost my jump drive between the apartment and the condo last night (yikes!). Something like, "Jonathan stared into his coffee thoughtfully." that I changed to "Jonathan gripped his chair arm in a fist." Obviously, "thinking" and acting "tense" are not exactly the same thing. But that was what I discovered! He should be reacting to what was just said, not *thinking* about reacting.
Oh, man! So fun!
PS - Bev, what do you mean you still don't think you've nailed it? At first, I thought you meant you didn't agree *Jacqueline* had nailed this problem! LOL
I like to throw in some nose picking to convey emotion. Or maybe a cat.
That was a great passage, and wonderful re-edit. I really want to read the book now! I think 'show don't tell' is something I struggle with. I want everything spoken clearly, it's when I revise that new and inventive ways to convey things pop up. For instance I used to head hop like crazy! In one characters thoughts one minute another the next! It was a jumble and as confusing as you might think. But when I stopped, things became more interesting. Certain scenes had me going...why did he say that? And I figured out that I could convey a lot with the eyes, the rigidness in posture, or absently twirling your hair, reading a book...Anyway you all probably figured all of this out long ago but I am a late bloomer.LOL!
Hm. I'm with Bev... I don't think I've nailed it. At least, not until the revision/layering phase. Lots of nodding and frowning and blinking and arching of eyebrows. I do try to go back and make all that crap actual stage directions. I forget who said it first, but I like the advice that the characters should be reacting to their environment. If So-and-so blinks, so what. If So-and-so leans his forehead against the frosted windowpane, maybe that means something else. Dunno. I don't think I'm making sense. I better go. *g
I completely agree that your second version is much better.
But this reminds me of when I was in my first high-school play, and my script told me to cross downstage at a certain point. So I did it. And the director said, "Eve, why are you going downstage?" And I answered, "Because my script said to." And that was the WRONG answer, as the more experienced thespians' groans indicated. The moral - stage direction needs a real motivation. And you found one for your scene, and it's stronger for it.
"Stage direction needs motivation" and "characters should be reacting to their environment." Not sure if *I* was the diva who said that to Erica (couldn't have been me!) but I do remember that when I was reading Touched I thought the lack of setting could be easily (ok, not *easily*) fixed by having the hero interact with the furniture in the room, and having the furniture in the room reflect the kind of person he is.
For example, I know a guy who's got literally millions of dollars and owns his own home, but the home looks like the old owner left her interior decorations when she died (under her cat).
OK, maybe none of that is why his home looks like a 1978 replica of my aunt's house, but that's what *I* think when I walk inside. If I were writing a story about him, you can BET I would form an internal reason why he hasn't redecorated the house using said savings.
So just think about THAT while you're crafting your uber-romantic scenes :-)
And yes, Jacq's revision is K-A!
Hi everyone, but especially hi Kelly! Nice to see you! I squeed (does that need two "e's" or three when it's a verb?) myself to pieces when I saw on your blog that you'd read the blurb for ASL and it made you want to read it. Since I've angsted for centuries over whether I'll ever be able to write a hooky blurb, that made my day.
FWIW, it took me a long time to get the show-don't-tell thing, too. (Like, um, forty(muffle) years *g!) Heck, I'm STILL working on it. I think maybe I'll do a post today with another example of this from ASL's new first chapter, though.
I don't actually worry about stage direction. I just write.
Annie, I hereby send you oodles of good-natured, tongue-sticking-out hatred, because yours are fantastic. If you don't have to think about them to get them, then I am double-dog envious. Mnah *g!
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