Let's Do Query Letters, Day Two

So, here's the next installment in our cross-blog, almost-a-workshop query letter process. Today, Darcy (who doesn't have her own blog yet) takes her shots at Lacey's query letter. To see both sides of this, you'll want to open Lacey's blog and resize it so the two sit side-by-side.

Here are Darcy's comments on the original query letter:

1) Dark and mysterious are pretty vague adjectives and a little cliché (perhaps more than a little). As a first sentence, this doesn’t hook me, nor does it tell me anything interesting about the hero.
2) A hero who’s looking for a friend? Snore.
3) Isn’t that what we all want? So far, this hero doesn’t strike me as particularly exciting.
4) Good, tells us important facts about the heroine. Probably not the best intro line to the heroine, but I’ll keep reading.
5) This sentence is totally unnecessary.
6) I’m not at all drawn into caring about the heroine and her conflict (which I’m still not sure about). Most of this paragraph is about her father and since he is neither hero nor heroine, I don’t care.
7) Now this is a much better description of the hero. Mysterious is better used here (without dark it loses its cliché-ness) and wallflower tells us a lot about him. And sexy – bring him on!
8) I’m curious how they develop an “easy friendship.” I see they have conflict because they have two different sets of dreams: he wants a friend and she wants her “unknown” relatives to see past her dark skin. But wait, both want people to see the real them on the inside. Seems like they have exactly the same dreams…their conflict ought to last about five minutes.
9) She can write a book or so once a year. Seems a little slow. And she’s new at this. But nice to know she’s hard at work on the next one.

Overall, this query doesn’t give strong enough pictures of the main characters and their romantic conflict. There also isn’t much plot information. The premise is interesting, but it falls flat without the story and characters to back it up.

Now, we have the new, improved query letter below. This time, the comments are on Lacey's side of the house:

Jonathan Hart, Viscount Rader, is weary of his position as the ton’s scandalous wallflower.¹ Determined to overcome his notoriety, he resolves to marry a gentlewoman who can aid his transition from cold aristocrat to approachable luminary.² But choosing such a woman proves impossible. His silent attention is drawn to the unsuitable but deliciously exotic Lady Kit, ³ and soon she seems to be everywhere he turns.⁴

If Kitha Wallingford ever thought about the life her father abandoned, it was to wonder how the respected Shawano warrior had ever been the privileged son of an earl.⁵ Now she knows why he fled. The English are a stodgy lot, and her handsome new neighbor is the worst of them.⁶ Shy Lord Rader proves an irresistible target for a female used to having her way with men.⁷ She sees his reserve as a challenge, and stalks him until the obstinate man has no choice but to relent.⁸

Jonathan’s dream of respectability is dashed the moment he beds the little hellcat. After weeks in her passionate company, forever with anyone else looms like eternity.⁹ But the minx refuses marriage, saying life is too short to worry about tomorrow, and his deepest fear is unburied.¹⁰ His frustration turns into purpose, and the huntress becomes the hunted. It takes murder, manipulation, and a healthy dose of laughter to help his caramel beauty realize marriage isn’t about what might be, but about what is.¹¹

If You Asked the Devil to Dance, my 100K word Regency-set historical, is available in full.¹² I’m currently working on the second novel in my Romance with Color trilogy.¹³ I’m the president elect of my RWA chapter, a winner of Avon’s FanLit contest, an engineer by day,¹⁴ and open to editorial suggestion.¹⁵

This concludes Episode Two of query letter madness. Stay tuned for more in the exciting saga of Beat Up the Query Letter.