Let's Do Query Letters!

Last week, Lacey mentioned that she, Darcy, and I had been writing (and rewriting) our query letters. Well, this week, we've decided to share our process with you, our loyal readers and fellow writers. I know some of you aren't daunted by queries (for Jody, it's the "sucknopsis" that induces panic), but Pam, bless her heart, actually asked for pointers.

Keeping in mind that our queries will probably change many more times before we're successful at this, you can get a sneak peek into our efforts by click here pull up both blogs side by side. Then you can follow along with the comments on my first attempt at the query and read the final version on Lacey's blog.

(Actually, I have to admit in the spirit of total honesty that this wasn't my first attempt. The first attempt was written at 2am one morning when I couldn't sleep due to a hacking cough. It was about as good as you'd expect something written at 2am to be. Which is to say that, except for a couple of clever sentences, it was pretty darned bad!)

In this version, I tried very hard (and very unsuccessfully) to work in that "high concept" sentence I sweated over a couple of weeks ago. You'll see why it didn't stay...

Dear Agent,

Lady Rosalind Brighton knows knights are more interested in winning castles than princesses, so when her knight turns out to be an Irish racehorse trainer, she faces a thorny dilemma: defend her castle or surrender her heart.¹

Being on the shelf may not be fashionable, but it suits Rosalind.² Marrying, after all, means giving up everything she values: her possessions, her independence, her very person.³ Unfortunately, avoiding matrimony may prove harder than she thought.⁴ Her thoroughbred breeding estate has been sabotaged to the brink of financial ruin and her brother, the duke, is threatening to put her back on the London marriage mart if she doesn’t right the ship before the start of the Season in just six weeks’ time.⁵

Into the breach steps the cocky and ambitious Patrick O’Brien.⁶ His proposal for an unorthodox partnership could save Rosalind’s estate, but his easygoing charm and infectious enthusiasm for life pose a more serious threat than mere bankruptcy.⁷ She knows she shouldn’t trust him despite his unexpected penchant for altruism.⁸ Not only is his former employer the man who’s been bad-mouthing her stock, there’s also Mr. O’Brien’s pesky little predilection for pulling the odd con job…⁹

Living in Sin, a single-title historical (100,000 words) set in early Victorian England, finished third in the 2006 Golden Rose contest sponsored by the Rose City Romance Writers chapter of RWA.¹⁰ I am a member of RWA as well as the Hearts Through History and Beau Monde specialty chapters.¹¹ I hold a Master’s degree in Classics from the University of Chicago and write technical training materials by profession.¹²

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Now, in addition to the comments on Lacey's blog, let me point out that as I read this again, my immediate impression is "Too long, too wordy." Bleah. This needed work! Fortunately for me, Lacey, Darcy, Janice, and (most especially) Lacey's genius brother, Luke, came to my rescue!

The new version (posted on Lacey's blog) works because:

1) Flipping the last sentence around (not to mention shortening it to the very basics) makes a nice, neat thread: Marriage, marriage, marriage - problem!
2) Ah. By including "the odd swindle" as a characteristic of the hero, his "con man" status doesn't seem to come out of nowhere later on.
3) "Partnering" sounds a lot more businesslike, and "fate she abhors" is some pretty strong wording. She's clearly been driven to desperate measures.
4) Oh! That's what his charm and enthusiasm is endangering. I was wondering :-)
5) Uh-oh. England, we have a problem!
6) And an internal conflict!
7) Now that's just a great line. I mean...story question. Ahem.
8) Nice and short. Same credentials, just tightened until my ADD brain can conceive of them all at the same time.

I should add that I'm still not completely sold on the first sentence and, hey, I'm open to suggestions from the public at large.

Stay tuned for our next round of query madness tomorrow, when someone is going to post a query letter on Lacey's blog and someone else will beat it up here! (We're still discussing who's doing the posting and who's doing the beating.)