First Pages

The first page of any manuscript is important, especially for the unpublished author who's trying to gain the (positive!) attention of an agent or editor. It's your first chance to make an impression. And if the impression you make with yours isn't a good one, it can mean your otherwise wonderful manuscript gets thrown in the slush pile with the rest of the ones that are getting form letter rejections.

I wrote the first few pages of A Scandalous Liaison a very long time ago. Probably more than a year ago. I've polished and perfected the entire scene over months, tweaking and adjusting, tightening here, expanding there. After all this time, I was pretty satisfied with the scene, in which the hero and heroine meet. At one point, I added an earlier scene between the heroine and her brother to provide the reader with more information about her situation before she met the hero, but after reading the feedback from the last contest, I realized that scene was a bit confusing since it introduced a hot, manly man who wasn't the hero! Um, duh? So I stripped that back out because it stole the hero's thunder.

Then on Monday, good old ballsy Erica cold-queried three agents on Trevor and the Tooth Fairy. Curious about the submission guidelines of the agents she'd queried, I started poking around. I discovered that quite a number of agents who accept e-queries wanted the first two to five pages of the manuscript added at the end of the letter.

So I pulled out ASL and read the first five pages. I tried to think like an agent receiving them at the end of a cold query. And the agent thought my writing was technically just dandy, but booooorrrring. Where was the action? The conflict? The sizzle? Oh, sure, there were hints of it, but it took forever for the writer to get to it. "Cut to the chase already,"I thought. "There's probably a story here, but the reader will fall asleep before she gets to it."

And then I had my epiphany. That first scene was holding my manuscript back. It was the reason I kept finaling but only managing third place.¹ (Or maybe one of the reasons. I guess I should re-examine the rest for other boring scenes before I decide that's the only one that's a problem :->.)

After chatting with Erica and Darcy a bit, I came up with an entirely new way for the hero and heroine to meet that's much more fun and exciting than the original version. I've only written four pages of it, but I'm 99% sure it's a much better scene. And the first page (technically, the first 250 words) are far stronger than before.

So, just for fun, here are the two different first pages of ASL. I won't say whether I'm putting the new one or the old one first; you guess. But hopefully, you'll be able to tell right away which one is snappier and sets up the conflict more clearly. (If not, I may have to go back to the drawing board again :-.)

Rosalind Brighton reined in her cantering stallion at the crest of the hill overlooking the stables. An unfamiliar horse stood tethered to a post. The dark bay was not one of hers. Apprehension swelled her throat. The animal was too fine to belong to one of the villagers and customers arrived—when they came at all—in carriages.

If her brother had sent a manager without her consent, she would…

She would what? Her younger brother was the mighty Duke of Aylsbridge. She could do little to thwart his will.

Other than to send his minion straight back, she reminded herself. She did own this estate and Lionel could not force anything or anyone on her, at least not until April.

Pulling Canterbury up outside the building, she dismounted and wrapped the gray stallion’s reins around a nearby post. After marching into the stable, she surveyed the aisle between the long row of stalls, squinting to make out a human figure in the faint light. She saw only horses and few of those, as most were out for exercise and training at this time of day.

Odd.

She frowned and pivoted on the heel of her well-worn riding boot, hoping to locate someone who’d seen the intruder. Only after she’d taken several steps did she hear the low, crooning voice behind her.

Brow furrowing, she spun around again. He must be in one of the stalls. Indignation burned her chest. What business did an estate manager have trifling with her horses? His job—which wasn’t his at all—was records and bookkeeping, not animal husbandry.

That's option #1. Here's #2:

“There’s a gentleman here to see you, my lady.”

Lady Rosalind Brighton looked up from her estate ledgers with a surge of excitement. “By all means, send him in, Mrs. Ellis.” If Rosalind could sell even one animal, she might stretch her funds another few weeks.

“Are you certain?” The small, trim housekeeper, who stood in the open study doorway, wrinkled her nose as if she smelled something unpleasant. “He’s Irish.”

Rosalind sighed. She cared about her horses’ pedigrees, not her customers’. “I’m sure Irishmen need horses just as much as Englishmen do.”

“Very well, my lady. But I don’t think he’s come to buy. He came alone and on horseback.”

Not a good sign, Rosalind agreed. Customers, when they came at all, arrived in their carriages with staff in tow.

Mrs. Ellis returned a few moments later with the caller. He was taller than average, broad-shouldered, and obviously well-muscled as evidenced by the close fit of his clothing. His dark trousers, waistcoat, and topcoat were of good quality fabric, clean and well-maintained, but without the refined cut and polished elegance an upper-class gentleman would demand.

His clothing notwithstanding, he was arrestingly handsome. Dark, wavy hair grazed the top of his shirt collar in devil-may-care fashion, and a cleft relieved his strong, square jaw of too much sobriety. He might have middle-class togs, but he certainly had first-rate looks.

Doing her best to ignore the unfamiliar hot, jumpy sensation in the center of her chest, Rosalind stood and crossed the room to greet him. Whatever his reason for coming, she wanted to hear it.

Actually, putting the two of them side-by-side makes me think the original version was better than I thought yesterday. Even so, I think I'm on the right track with the new one.

Today's questions: How much do you angst over your first few pages? How do you know when you've started the story both in the right place and in the right way?

¹The results of CONNections, in which ASL finished third, have been posted. Although I was once again a bit disheartened to see that the first and second place finishers garnered requests, I was encouraged when I realized that the first place finisher, Elizabeth Stock, is a Golden Heart finalist, and the second place finisher, Christie Craig, has sold at least one manuscript. I was up against some talent, peeps!